I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
