Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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