you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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