one word: firstdatebathroomanal
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
