Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
