By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
