Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
