i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
