It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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