I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
