when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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