I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
