i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
