I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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