are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
