I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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