blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
