I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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