were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
