haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
