well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
