Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
