I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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