I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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