And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
