My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
