you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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