I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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