I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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