you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
