Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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