I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
