You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
