Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
