R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
