One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
