Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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