then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
