420 ftw
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
