btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
