would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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