tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
