There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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