I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
