I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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