he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
