just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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