I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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