I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
