I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
