Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
