she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
