my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
