So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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