I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
