booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
