I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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