True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
