If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
