Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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