i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
