god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
