the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
